Winter Solstice Part II: To a Miraculous New Year, to a New Life

The following is from The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series), by Melody Beattie:

December 30th,
Laying the Foundation:
The groundwork has been laid.
Do you not see that?
Don't you understand that all you have gone through was for a purpose?
There was a reason, a good reason, for the waiting, the struggle, the pain, and finally the release...
As the work progresses, it often appears to be an upheaval. Often, it does not seem to make sense. It may appear to be wasted time and effort, because we cannot see the final product yet.
This long, hard time in your life has been for laying of groundwork. It was not without purpose, although at times the purpose may not have been evident or apparent.
Congratulations. You have had the patience to endure the hard parts. You have trusted, surrendered, and allowed your Higher Power and the Universe to heal and prepare you.
Now, you shall enjoy the good that has been planned.
Now, you shall see the purpose.
Now, it shall all come together and make sense.
Enjoy.

December 31st,
Affirming the Good:
Wait, and expect good things--for yourself and for your loved ones.
When you wonder what is coming, tell yourself the best is coming, the very best life and love have to offer, the best God and his universe have to send. Then open your hands to receive it. Claim it, it is yours.
See the best in your mind; envision what it will look like, what it will feel like. Focus, until you can see it clearly. Let your whole being, body and soul, enter into and hold onto the image for a moment.
Then, let it go. Come back into today, the present moment. Do not obsess. Do not become fearful. Become excited. Live today fully, expressing gratitude for all you have been, all your are, and all you will become.
Wait, and expect good things.

We must find a voice, a system, of our own. I’ve been greatly impacted by the words of Melody Beattie. I will go on reading her daily homilies, as long as it serves me, and right now, it still does. She has a wisdom and a Voice that is calming, soothing, and sane. But she, too, began as a drug addict. There is a magic in the steps that is undeniable, and the steps work for addicts. However, in her last book, The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation, she said, and I quote, “codependents are the worst.” We cannot be the problem in this scenario. It is not our shame to carry, yet sometimes we carry it and wear it better than the addict. And you know we are basing our system of recovery, which is rescuing our very souls, on a system put together by Bill W. And you know, Bill W. was, by all accounts, a raging sex addict up to his dying breath. He quit drinking and millions of others have too, but the sex addiction was not worthy of his rigorous honesty? Do you know anything about his wife Lois? Do you think that a system created by a sex addict is the system that will be beneficial to the partner of a sex addict? Is this not the ultimate codependent concession? I will play by your rules, dear, even when it comes to saving my own life. And then there’s Patrick Carnes. Let him treat sex addicts. Let his daughter, Stephanie, edit the book, Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts, for family members and those affected by another's sexual addiction.

And as for anomynity, theotherbed, again, this is opposite thinking. We need to be fully ourselves, out in the open, with names and interests other than addiction and narcissism. We need to shine, not to hide behind the shame that is the hallmark of sex addiction, and that is the result of living with the tyranny of narcissism. I will write elsewhere, about my passions, and doing what I do best and well. I will not be concerned about preserving my anonymity in that light, open and airy place. I will be me, and responsible for everything I write and think, in full-frontal honesty. Anonymity is another way we keep ourselves down and hidden and immersed in shame. We need to resist the need to be anonymous. We cannot hide. We must show ourselves to be the bright and shining lovers of life that we were meant to be. This story is my anonymous story, because I have children, and out of respect for the 12th tradition. But I have another story. It is not salacious, maybe not as compelling as the shadowy world of sex, drugs, and submission, but it is my story, and I intend to step into it fully and wholeheartedly.

Yes, my life became unmanageable to the point of terror and immobility. Yes, I asked for God, or Anyone, to restore me to sanity. I turned my life and my will over to the power of God, to something greater than my at-that-moment, incapacitated self. And then I began the process of taking my own inventory—not because of my husband’s illness—but because I was bent and twisted by so many things in this life, not just as a victim, but as a willing participant, and that person needed straightening, had some splainin’ to do. I will go on, for the rest of my life, trying to evolve from the dim scepter I was when I first entered that church basement. Thank God for that, for the awareness and the willingness to be whole and well. And yes, eventually, I got to the 11th and 12th step, which will also be with me for the rest of my life. I will seek, always, to improve my conscious contact with God, Whomever or Whatever that means to me. And service is a given, is a natural part of evolution and of maintaining our sacred connection to this Earth and to other human beings. If you're in that tight place, COSA might save your life, too.

"The man who is himself at ease can best attend to the distress of others."-Adam Smith.

Thank God for that, too.

It was his illness and my shrinkage that brought me to that room, to my knees, but it is my inexorable spirit that gets me up out of that chair, or that couch, to go out and live my life free of that illness. His disease led to my emancipation, to the discovery of who I am and who I will become. I leave the addiction and the personality disorder at the table. I’m thinking of the Dr. Seuss title, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

I am not without character defects, or protective mechanisms, as Melody Beattie refers to them. I will fall again, will fuck up again, will probably even get a little crazy again. The struggle is not over. But it is my struggle, defined by my quirks, strengths, gifts, and failings, not by anyone else’s, ever again. I take full responsibility for my life, and I have a name, a face, and hopes and dreams and passions. It is time to walk towards that light, on this the shortest day of the year, the day of so much darkness, yet the songs on my Pandora radio are all about joy and peace. Amazing, the strength of the human will to thrive, to shine. I have lights on my tree, and lights decorating my house, to combat this time of darkness. But you know, the gift of the solstice is that the days now start getting longer. Buds and perennials start to quicken, ever so slightly. They are called to reemerge even in this dark and cold December. It has begun, just as it is ending. It is the darkness that is ending. Like Persephone, there was a descent, and her emergence from the underworld brought about a change in the seasons. It was Hermes, the messenger, who rescued her from Hades. The light is just waking up, is coming back in full force. You know it is. You remember. And so do I. Think I’m going to fall in love. Maybe we should all fall in love.

As much as I am self-conscious around the triteness of these overused words, they are appropriate if not necessary: I wish you Peace, Light, and Love.