It's Not About Them. It Never Was.

Photo credit: Adrian Reilly Photos

 It's not about them. Radical statement, I know, but in the end, it is the only thing, the only understanding, that will save you. This is not about blaming the victim. When I say it's not about them, it doesn't mean that you are to blame, no, no, no. It has to do with the way things are, in relationship or out of relationship. (And when are we ever out of relationship?)

You cannot change anybody else, ever. You can only change yourself. Sorry if that sounds trite, but it is pretty fundamental, especially if you've ever been or are in recovery.I could say things like, "everything happens for a reason," or some such platitude, but overused admonitions tend to provoke, and sound heartlessly glib to anyone who is suffering in the midst of an abusive relationship.

So instead of airy-fairy new age platitudes that can at times enrage those who might otherwise be feeling helpless and hopeless, I can only say what worked for me. If you look for changes in their behavior, you're looking in the wrong place. Addicts, narcissists manage their family and loved ones, not the addiction, though it may look like it's the other way around. (Opposite thinking works very well in these relationships.) So don't say, "Oh, look, he's going to a meeting." And definitely watch out when you're thinking, "Oh, he's being so kind...that's the one I married, that's the one I love."

Don't call it love. For that matter, it is not love if you want someone to be who you want them to be, and I haven't met an N partner or SA partner, or for that matter, many people yet who didn't understandably want the other to change. Be who you want to be, for yourself, and it will all fall together. When you know what you want, what is important to you, and I hope that sanity is part of that picture, you start to change. And no, I'm not going to say that when you start to change, the N or the SA starts to change. That can happen once in a blue moon, but if it does, or that's what you're hoping for, then you're still looking for the wrong stuff in all the wrong places. When you start to change, when you start living according to your own strengths and values, and not waiting for anybody else to make you happy, you simply start to care less and less about what they're doing or not doing. You start to become free of this story we have all been in. Freedom is a good thing.

I was stuck in a story. It all happened. He was there, and it was wicked, and it hurt like hell. But I let it go. He's gone. What he does or doesn't do no longer, and should have never, defined me. Nor does what he did define me now. And by that I mean, that movie is over. I don't need to see it again. When the curtain comes down, you walk out into the fresh air and go on to the next thing. Living in the past means you miss what is going on around you in the present moment. And some of what is going on here and now is pretty effing amazing.

And one more hopefully helpful thought to keep in mind: When I turned the focus off of him, and onto what I truly wanted in life, what I needed started to show up, as if by some kind of magical decree. I didn't have the money to leave, or the support, or you name it, all the reasons we don't leave when fear rules. But it all started knocking on my door. What I needed just showed up in one weird way after another. You will be amazed.

Trust yourself. Trust the universe. Trust the process. Just begin. That light that you can sometimes barely see at the end of the long dark tunnel? It's there for a reason. Walk towards it, one step at a time. If your mind, your thoughts, or anybody around you is screaming, "But, but, but...but this or but that...!" Don't listen. Keep walking. There is a light. There is a way out. Be for yourself what you always wanted the other one to be for you.

I am not the other bed. I just got lost for awhile. Back in my own bed, just the way I left it. No tyrants here.